Sunday, July 27, 2014

Safe People

(originally published by The Daily Press - Religion Section- July 26, 2014) 

Have you ever noticed our interest in masked characters? Whether good or bad, they are in cartoons, television, movies, and on the stage: Batman, the Lone Ranger, Darth Vader and Erik, the Phantom of the Opera, to name a few.

For centuries, people have gathered at the Carnival of Venice where masks are the main feature. Mardi Gras masks remain tradition for New Orleans. North America has seen a resurgence of masquerade balls since
 the ’90s. 


So what is our fascination with masks? Dictionary definitions distill the term down to “concealing one’s identity.” The late psychologist and theologian Rollo May stated that modern man took Adam and Eve’s fig leaf from their genitals and put it over his face, but that’s a divergent topic.

On occasion, I have demonstrated to make the point that we often hide behind a variety of masks and may not even realize it. We have masks for work, friends, even church and family. We can become chameleons to fit what we believe is the perceived need: to be something other than we really are.

A man speaking to his counselor in a Glasbergen
 cartoon says: “How could somebody steal my identity when I still haven’t figured out who I am?”

Maybe you’ve lost a sense of your own needs, wants and desires, or perhaps you’ve never had the freedom in relationships to develop a healthy sense of self-awareness. Do you not feel accepted in some way?

The fear or feeling of being rejected and unloved is probably our greatest source of insecurity.  
Neuroscientist Dr. Caroline Leaf says research has discovered that there are only two general types of emotions: love and fear. They each have their own anatomy and physiology. All other emotions we experience are variations of these. 


There is a difference between relating to people and connecting with people. A good starting point is to ask yourself: Are there people in your life that you can be real with? We can relate to people in a superficial way, but true connections are mutual, where each person feels understood, affirmed and valued. This is when a deep relationship can form.

We were created for relationships. Essentially, the Bible is about one thing: relationship.

Dr. Dale Kuehne points out that from Genesis to Revelation, we see the creation of relationship, the destruction of relationship
 and the redemption of relationship. Jesus demonstrated three different categories of trust and intimacy. His most trusted circle of friends included Peter, James and John. A wider circle included the rest of his disciples and the band of followers. We see in John 2:23-25 that Jesus did not entrust himself to the masses because he knew what was in their hearts.

Like Jesus, we need to find safe people that we can be real with because people are God’s delivery
 system for healing. Dr. John Townsend says that safe people influence us to be all God intended for us to be: people of love, grace, healing and growth.

Find good models of health. Begin by risking small and see how a person
 handles your sharing. It takes time to develop deep trust and discern whether a person is safe to share your deepest emotions with.

Keep in mind that there should be mutual investment and sharing in your closest circle of relationships.

When you are tempted to throw up a mask, ask yourself: What are you hiding, why are you hiding it and from whom are
 you hiding it? These questions must be answered in order to experience healthy relationships.
 

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

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