Saturday, December 6, 2014

Don't let family controllers hijack your holiday


(Originally published in the Daily Press Religion Section, Dec. 6. 2014)
Family dynamics can spring to life during the holiday season and spoil the fun. How do you handle controlling family members that ride roughshod over others? Do you push back? Do you acquiesce because they’ll be out the door in a few hours? In reality, the only way someone can control you is for you to make them that way by doing what they want. If you don’t do what they want they can’t control you.

Early on in our relationship my husband said: “I just want to go through life without conflicts.”

I had to laugh and say, “the only people free from conflict today are those flat-lining it down at the morgue…” In case you haven’t noticed, life is full of conflicts because people have different perspectives, personalities and baggage — some even have cargo.

The answer lies not in avoiding conflict but in learning how to have a healthy conflict.

What is your conflict resolution style? While we shouldn’t push back in every situation, there are times when we should. Otherwise, we end up perpetuating the disrespect by fertilizing the dynamic rather than nipping it in the bud.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18).

This clearly means there will be times when it is not possible to be at peace with others. Nevertheless, biblically we have an obligation to do our part in an appropriate time and place: confront when necessary, calmly speak the truth in love, and keep a boundary line.

Over the years I’ve heard many blame their behavior on someone else. But know you are not responsible for the response on the other end.

Remember when Jesus went into the temple courts and turned over the money-changers tables? He turned over the tables because he loved the temple and the people of God.

Sometimes, doing what’s good doesn’t always look nice. Occasionally you just have to upset the apple cart by calling out bad behavior.

Stepping out of the rhythm and negative pattern interrupts the abuse. Don’t allow others to turn you into someone you don’t want to be by remaining in the cycle.

It may hurt someone’s pride and feelings to hear the truth, but it’s not harming them, it’s helping them and promotes healthy relationships.

Why allow tension as the centerpiece of the holiday joy? We are called to hold one another accountable in humility and love (Gal. 6:1-2). Responding this way introduces respectfulness into the dynamic.

People can control themselves; they just have to think about it and choose to take the extra thought and effort.

Consider how much control we have over ourselves. For instance, while shouting at the kids, someone knocks on the door. I suspect most are able to pull themselves together quickly and be gracious when answering the door. Don’t be like Flip Wilson and claim “the devil made me do it.”

My observations over the years are that the most controlling people are the most insecure. Try to see beyond the presenting symptom and remember Jesus’ commandment to “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). Loving others includes caring enough to set appropriate boundaries and speak the truth in love so that healthy relationships are possible.

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

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