Wise Men of 2015

(originally published in the Daily Press Religion Section 12-27-14)

While everyone fought over parking for the day after Christmas sales, exchanges and returns, the traditional Christian church calendar began the Twelve Days of Christmas. This ends on January 6, a date known as Epiphany. I hate to burst your Hallmark Christmas bubble, but technically the Wise Men (aka Magi) and their camels don’t even appear in the nativity until Epiphany.

Jesus wasn’t in a manger when the Wise Men arrived. Matthew 2:11 says they went to his “house.”

Most of us will put Santa and Frosty back in the attic before Christmas is officially over and the Wise Men have had time to “traverse afar… following yonder star.”  We’ve even secularized the meaning of the word “epiphany” to include a sudden insight or perception.  Let’s capitalize on this and merge our 2015 resolutions with a personal New Year’s epiphany.

As I progress through my post-graduate work currently researching convergences in psychoanalysis and social psychology with the relational self, I am struck by how many people initially seek help from an outside source before first looking within.  

Bookstore shelves are packed with self-help books promising “x” steps to freedom or success.  But “self-help” is actually a misnomer since God says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5).

Let’s just consider the aspect of breathing: “God created man in his own image; male and female he created them…and breathed into [their] nostrils the breath of life, and [they] became living being(s)” (Gen. 1:27; 2:7).  

Whether people acknowledge God or not doesn’t change the fact that our absolute existence depends on him.  This article could not exist without an author. Likewise, our lives could not exist without “the author and perfecter of our faith” (Heb. 12:2).

The Bible is the original “self-help” book; but when a wrench has been thrown in your day, are you first prone to go to the phone instead of the throne?  

The psalmist says, “Test me, O Lord, and try me, examine my heart and my mind” (Ps 26:2). “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps. 139:23-24). “Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord” (Lam. 3:40). “A man ought to examine himself” (1 Cor. 11:28). “How many wrongs and sins have I committed? Show me my offense and my sin” (Job 13:23).

Since it is impossible to separate out who we are psychologically from who we are spiritually, clearly we need to examine ourselves in light of scripture. Let that be your epiphany and resolution for 2015.

There are times in life (and it is biblical) when we need an outside source to help us see our blind spots or sort through the issues; however any outside source worth your time will include a spiritual examination. Why not be wise men in 2015 and start there yourselves? Just don’t ride off on your camels, though, until January 6.

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

Christmas: What is meaningful to you?

(originally published in the Daily Press Religion Section 12-20-14)

I think there must be something wrong with me, Linus,” said Charlie Brown. “Christmas is coming, but I’m not happy. I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel … I always end up getting depressed.”

Charlie Brown concludes that he must not understand the meaning of Christmas.

While Charlie Brown may not have known the meaning of Christmas, holiday depression may still occur for those that do. Reasons may include situations such as stress, finances, fatigue, family difficulties, loneliness or grieving.

Grieving is not just about the death of a loved one. It can include any type of loss, such as joblessness, broken relationships, a recent move just to name a few. All loss has an element of grief attached. During the holidays, any unfinished grieving can leak out and catch us by sad surprise.

In addition, what we desire most is to spend the holidays with those we love. When it is not possible this can overshadow our joy.

The other side of the same coin is that we can create unrealistic expectations for the holiday gatherings by anticipating “It’s a Wonderful Life” when in reality we get an episode of “Arrested Development.”

As we approach Christmas week, consider who and what shapes your thinking.

In speaking to a disciple, Jesus said, “You do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men.” (Mark 8:33) Often temporary things can grab hold of our hearts and become our deepest desires. That’s not to say what has grabbed hold is necessarily a bad thing; good things can usurp the place of God in our lives, too. When that happens, eventually the weed of disappointment grows and a change of mind becomes necessary.

Seeking advice, Charlie Brown solicits Lucy, who can answer any question for five cents. She says, “I know how you feel about all this Christmas business, getting depressed and all that. It happens to me every year. I never get what I really want.”

Charlie Brown asks, “What do you want?”

Lucy retorts, “Real Estate!”

Lucy understands that much of what is exchanged at Christmas retains little value in the grand scheme of life.

Can you remember all the Christmas gifts you’ve opened over the years? Locating them is even more of a challenge. As you reflect back on Christmas past, you might remember particular special gifts, but likely what prevails are the memories, meaningful traditions and experiences. If anything, their value appreciates over time.

What experiences or traditions are meaningful to you? Christmas Eve is what I cherish most: family, candlelight service, Christmas lights, and the quiet reflection of our Savior’s birth with Rutter’s “Nativity Carol” dancing in my head.

A twinge of depression can enter for me on Christmas Day once all the presents are opened, it’s bare under the tree and everyone has gone home. I’ve come to learn that the emptiness I feel is my spirit yearning toward heaven.

Love came down at Christmas and entered into “time.” As a receiver of that gift, I no longer belong to this world. (John 15:19) After the holiday hoopla comes to a close, sometimes my spirit aches, wanting so much more of Christmas than the present age can offer.

As we live between the tension of the First Advent (what is), and the Second Advent (what is yet to come), it won’t always be a mountain top experience — at least not authentically. So, in those moments we can cry out: “Maranatha!” Charlie Brown.

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

Do You Know the Gift of Christmas?

(Originally published in The Daily Press - Religion Section 12-13-14)

As a youth I remember eagerly saving my allowance up, then riding my bike as fast as I could to the local record store to buy the latest pop hit single on 45. I’d listen to the song over and over for days on end, until I was so sick of it I never wanted to hear it again. I can remember once taking a 45, snapping it in half, then round filing it to ensure I’d never again be bothered by such tedious monotony.

It’s true that overexposure to something can often immunize us from the meaning or emotion that once filled our hearts.

As we attend holiday events, it’s easy to celebrate in the spirit of fun. We’ve become immune to clichés like “Jesus is the reason for the season,” indulged in over-commercialization and mused in politically correct wanderings.

Lets face it; most people would rather laugh together around the spiked eggnog than sit together in somberness meditating on the Nativity scene. But it doesn’t need to be either or.

Maybe we just need some fresh wind in our spiritual sails to find our holiday homeostasis.

I love Christmas music; but then maybe that’s because it only plays a few weeks a year. One of my season favorites is “Mary, Did You Know?” I find the title a little ironic since clearly Mary did know, as evidenced by her song of praise after learning she would miraculously give birth to the Son of God.

Mary asked how as a virgin this could be possible? The angel replied: “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.”

Her willing response was, “I am the Lord’s servant. May it be to me as your have said” (Luke 1:35, 38).

Mary had no idea what was about to befall her. Her head knowledge was about to be converted into a lifelong transformative experience.

Authorities in the Jewish culture of her day could stone an unmarried pregnant woman to death. Joseph wanted to quietly retract their pledge to be married; that is, until the angel appeared and brought him up to speed.

Imagine the embarrassment, family pain, social stigma, ridicule and judgment Mary and Joseph endured. Then, from the time of Jesus’ birth people rejected and wanted to kill him.

As the song goes, Mary really had no understanding that the son she would deliver would one day deliver her.

Most of us are rather ordinary people just like Mary. Can you imagine your response if placed in extraordinary circumstances such as she?

I want Mary’s courage to follow God in the midst of overwhelming odds. She submitted to God’s plan for her life at the expense of others’ opinions and judgments. She didn’t wait to know the outcome before saying “yes” and followed God’s will and her tears all the way to the foot of the Cross.

As a mother I cannot begin to imagine the juxtaposition of Mary’s joy and agony over three decades.

It can be difficult to simply integrate the precious little toddlers that live in my heart with the grown men standing in front of me. There had to be great pain in the midst of her joy as she watched her son grow up and intentionally walk out his life to the Cross, turning the world upside down along the way.

If we could interview Mary, I am certain she would say the gift of Jesus in her life was greater than the pain of this passing world.

The real gift of Christmas transcends the gifts we give or receive; it comes in the person of Jesus Christ.

The song asks, “Mary, did you know?” But it is more appropriate here to ask; “Reader, do you know” the gift of Christmas?

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

Don't let family controllers hijack your holiday

(Originally published in the Daily Press Religion Section, Dec. 6. 2014)

Family dynamics can spring to life during the holiday season and spoil the fun. How do you handle controlling family members that ride roughshod over others? Do you push back? Do you acquiesce because they’ll be out the door in a few hours? In reality, the only way someone can control you is for you to make them that way by doing what they want. If you don’t do what they want they can’t control you.

Early on in our relationship my husband said: “I just want to go through life without conflicts.”

I had to laugh and say, “the only people free from conflict today are those flat-lining it down at the morgue…” In case you haven’t noticed, life is full of conflicts because people have different perspectives, personalities and baggage — some even have cargo.

The answer lies not in avoiding conflict but in learning how to have a healthy conflict.

What is your conflict resolution style? While we shouldn’t push back in every situation, there are times when we should. Otherwise, we end up perpetuating the disrespect by fertilizing the dynamic rather than nipping it in the bud.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Rom. 12:18).

This clearly means there will be times when it is not possible to be at peace with others. Nevertheless, biblically we have an obligation to do our part in an appropriate time and place: confront when necessary, calmly speak the truth in love, and keep a boundary line.

Over the years I’ve heard many blame their behavior on someone else. But know you are not responsible for the response on the other end.

Remember when Jesus went into the temple courts and turned over the money-changers tables? He turned over the tables because he loved the temple and the people of God.

Sometimes, doing what’s good doesn’t always look nice. Occasionally you just have to upset the apple cart by calling out bad behavior.

Stepping out of the rhythm and negative pattern interrupts the abuse. Don’t allow others to turn you into someone you don’t want to be by remaining in the cycle.

It may hurt someone’s pride and feelings to hear the truth, but it’s not harming them, it’s helping them and promotes healthy relationships.

Why allow tension as the centerpiece of the holiday joy? We are called to hold one another accountable in humility and love (Gal. 6:1-2). Responding this way introduces respectfulness into the dynamic.

People can control themselves; they just have to think about it and choose to take the extra thought and effort.

Consider how much control we have over ourselves. For instance, while shouting at the kids, someone knocks on the door. I suspect most are able to pull themselves together quickly and be gracious when answering the door. Don’t be like Flip Wilson and claim “the devil made me do it.”

My observations over the years are that the most controlling people are the most insecure. Try to see beyond the presenting symptom and remember Jesus’ commandment to “Love one another as I have loved you” (John 13:34). Loving others includes caring enough to set appropriate boundaries and speak the truth in love so that healthy relationships are possible.

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

Thanksgiving Memories

(originally published in the Daily Press - Religion Section, 11-22-14)

I blew through the kitchen late in the evening preparing all the final food and details; stuffing the turkey, writing out explicit roasting instructions, post-it-notes attached to every covered item in the refrigerator, tearfully giving guidance to my husband and sons just home from college, what tomorrow would bring.

It was going to be a full house in Washington for our Thanksgiving holiday.  They needed to know who was coming, what items guests were contributing, and when they would arrive.  

Several hours earlier the phone rang with grave news that I needed to quickly get to Los Angeles. My mother had slipped into a comma in her advanced stages of Alzheimer’s and was in her final hours.

While most people were sleeping in the wee hours of the morning, my husband drove me through a snowstorm to make the next available flight.  As we made our way through the mountain pass, the falling snow calmed my spirit as it peacefully blanketed the scenic route like a picture from Currier and Ives. 

Two hours later, I somehow made the standby list on a sold out holiday flight. For the first time in my life, I was grateful to be sitting in the last row of an airplane, on the isle, next to the toilet.

My best friend picked me up at the other end and transported me to our family home where dad opened the door, visibly comforted by my presence.  Extended family and siblings who hadn’t been in the same room for years gathered that day.

No turkey, pie or stuffing, as we sat around mom’s bed. The many memories shared sustained us as we waited on Jesus to receive mom home.  

Holidays are not always guaranteed to generate joy in the traditional sense. In fact, at times they may feel lonely or painful. In our case, the next Christmas day my husband’s father passed away. Talk about bittersweet holidays.

What memories have been evoked in your reading through this article? God in his goodness has blessed each of us with the gift of memories.  Philippians 1:3 says, “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

Who are you remembering and thanking God for this Thanksgiving week?  It’s healthy to share stories that come to your heart as you remember others from days gone by, even if tears are attached.  Those memories are like a thread that runs through the tapestry of our lives. When we pass them on to others, they stay alive connecting the generations. 

I have a plaque in my office that reads, “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.”
   
Who is the treasure you are missing this Thanksgiving? Close your eyes and remember the stories; breathe life into them once again by telling someone else.  Then thank God that those memories remain alive in you, and rejoice; because those that are in Christ Jesus will one day be reunited with their loved ones again, for all eternity.  Thanks be to God.     

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.

Take a few moments each day to have a thank-full heart

(Originally published in the Daily Press Religion Section, 11-15-14)

Keeping with the spirit of Thanksgiving, have you given thought for what you are most thankful? Maintaining an attitude of gratitude does not come naturally for most and usually requires purposeful attention.

Consider the Israelites: Not long after Moses led them out of Egypt they were begging to go back complaining they liked the food better.  At first they were grateful to be freed from the whip and oppression of Pharaoh, but it didn’t take long before they forgot that brutality of slavery was the cost of their meat, leeks and cucumbers.

The Israelites were so focused on what they didn’t have, they forgot God was setting them free, giving them a new land, and making them a nation. Ultimately, the condition of their hearts prevented them from entering the Promised Land.

It’s easy to judge the Israelites from this side of the exodus but let’s consider our own circumstances.  What is the condition of your heart? Do you complain about your job when once you complained because you didn’t have one? Do you complain in your boredom of retirement when once all you wanted to do was retire? Do you complain about your spouse when once you longed for one? It’s all about our perspective.

One of the reasons complaining is so harmful is because we cannot complain and give thanks to God at the same time. And thankfulness draws us deeper into the heart of God.

The first winter at Plymouth Rock was harsh. The Pilgrims stayed on the Mayflower until shelters could be built but half did not survive the squalid living conditions. The survivors would have been in a grieving process for their loved ones; yet they recognized their need to give thanks to God in that first harvest and celebrate all He had done.

The Apostle Paul writes “give thanks in all circumstances”  (1 Thess. 5:18) but notice this does not mean we are to give thanks “for” everything that happens, but rather “in” everything. Evil is present in this fallen world and we should not give thanks for evil things when they happen. 

The Pilgrims demonstrated giving thanks “in” their situation; they were not only listeners of the Word but also doers of the Word.

Spiritual benefits aside, psychological studies show that those that practice a regular heart of gratefulness experience superior mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

Take a few moments each day, now through Thanksgiving, to journal what you are most thankful for and then meditate on those things. Conclude by giving God thanks.  The result will be a fresh perspective, a renewed attitude, and a truly thank-full heart.

The Rev. Heidi Summers is affiliated with Freedom in Christ Ministries, is a board certified pastoral counselor, board certified life coach and is currently completing her doctorate at Fuller Theological Seminary.